I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
