i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
