We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
