Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
