Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
