Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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