For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
