I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
