We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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