I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
