my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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