I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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