Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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