You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
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I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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