Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
