remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
