how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
