I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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