I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
