Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
