Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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