She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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