News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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