RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
