she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
