mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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