I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
