I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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