My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
