Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
