just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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