Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
