Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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