made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
