i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
is that a dick in a sweater?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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