On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
