If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Randomize
