Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
she pinky promised me she was 18
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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