To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
