I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
