the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
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