Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
