i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
