Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
