I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
