is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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