And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
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They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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