He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
