I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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