Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
there was a trapeze. enough said
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
