I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
