I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
