My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
