So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
