I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
you had me at cake vodka
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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