I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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