Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
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You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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